By Cathleen Jenkins

Parenting is one of the most difficult tasks known to man.  Children become adults; the kind of adults they become is due in large part to the parenting they receive.  More often than not, we are not shocked when children enter into adult life that reflects the values and principles of their parents:  the bully’s child becomes a bully; the giver’s child becomes a generous giver; the bigot’s child becomes distrustful of differences; the child of a tolerant person becomes patient with others; and so on.  The basis for parenting is love.

Teaching your child to love is important.  You may ask why?  Think about it! Whatever gifts you have will not be edified unless you have love.  I Corinthians 13, known as The Love Chapter, says: 

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love..  and though I have the gift of prophecy and understand ALL mysteries and ALL knowledge and though I have ALL faith so that I can move mountains, but have not love, I AM NOTHING

Whatever you possess; knowledge, riches, faith; will not be edified unless you have love.  

Now that we know the why, we need to discuss the how.  How? We must love the whole child. I once overheard a young mother tell her four-year-old son, in no uncertain and profane terms, that he was going to be nothing, just like his good-for-nothing father. I could not let this opportunity pass me by.  I told her that she was right; her son was going to be just like his good for nothing father – because she spoke that into his life each day.  She needed to change what she spoke into his life!

In these days of blended, alternative, grandparent and single-parent families; children are not always living with both biological parents. In order to love the whole child, you must love the child’s parents, brothers/sisters, grandparents, and other extended family members.  Children have no choice of the parents they have; but as parents or caregivers, you have a choice of the environment that you create for your child.  

Although it may be hard, at first, say positive things about the parents, brothers/sisters, grandparent and other extended family members. Say at least one positive thing to your child each day. Pray for your child, the other parent, and the extended family –Love will come.

The Love Chapter goes on to say that love is patient….. Be patient. You have to take time to teach love by showing love to others in your life. 

The Love Chapter in Corinthians goes on to say that:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

Be patient….you have to take time to teach. Children do what is modeled in front of them.  You will often hear parents say, “They know better.” But do they?  Who has taught them? Remember you have to model the behavior, teach the behavior and then allow for practice. 

Practice goes along with patience. During the next month, practice:

     

      • Saying at least one positive thing to your child each day.

      • Saying positive things about the parents, brothers/sisters, grandparents, and other extended family members.

    Be kind… say please and thank you to your children, and they will say please and thank you to you. “Catch them being good.” Research has shown that the number of negative comments to children outnumber the positive comments.  Simple phrases or gestures that are comfortable for you to remember can become a part of your daily language: Good job eating all of your vegetables! Give me a high five!  Thumbs up [gesture]. Hugs are welcome, although grudgingly, for all children.  For your older children, let them know that you appreciate them and that you are proud of them – with teenagers, this will take some effort. It is worth the effort.

    Don’t envy…have you seen parents trying to relive their youth through their children?  The ex-cheerleader pushing her daughter; the ex-football player pushing his son to win at any cost.  Every life deserves to be lived by the person living the life; every dream deserves to be lived by the dreamer, not through someone else. You had your day, let your child has theirs.

    Do not boast…Yes, we know that you were the greatest scholar, greatest athlete, most popular, blah, blah, blah. However, your child has to make their own history. (And you have probably stretched your history a little!) More damaging than bragging on your accomplishments is bragging or comparing the accomplishments of other children to your children.  We are all different. But guess what. We all have strengths and gifts. Look for your child’s strengths and encourage them.  If you must compare, lovingly compare them `with themselves. Allow them to establish a baseline: 5 math problems in 3 minutes, let’s beat that time; 10 sit ups, let’s do 12 this week.  Your child will love to chart their progress just like they loved to chart their height.

    The Love Chapter in Corinthians goes on to say that:

    Love is……. not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

    Have you ever seen parents that say, “I love my child, they know it;” but continue to speak arrogant, rude, and negative statements all the time.  Do you remember the old childhood saying?, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  This statement continues to prove false as we go through life.  References in the Bible to the tongue are numerous; the most notable being “death and life are in the power of the tongue.”  Words can hurt!

    Two incidences come to mind in my life.  When my son was very little, I said, you are getting on my…and he finished it by saying nerves.  I knew then that I had to change how I spoke to him.  The other incident was at a fashion show at my church.  A young lady with very dark skin modeled a beautiful red suit.  After the show I told her how beautiful she looked in red. Over the next several months, she continued to thank me for saying she looked beautiful. It seemed as if my comment had had a lasting effect. It got me to thinking what would have happened if I had said just the opposite. My comment would still have had a lasting effect.

    It is much more difficult to give positive, specific statements. But, as parents, we must try. For example,

       

        • Instead of saying “You always mess things up.” Say, “I like the way you gave a good effort.”

        • Instead of saying “You get on my nerves.”  Say, “Daddy’s tired now, we will play after dinner.”

        • Instead of saying “Your hair is “too nappy”, “too straight”, “too curly”, etc”. Say, “I like the way you styled your hair, it shows your individuality.”  

        • Instead of using profanity, references to their parents, siblings, etc., Say a quick prayer for your tongue!

      Look for compliments as quickly and as closely as you look for criticisms. It may be hard…but I know you can do it.

      CHAACA-Cathy-Jenkins-Aunt-Kay
      Cathleen "Aunt Kay" Jenkins